Friday, August 29, 2008
@ my grandpa's wake .parked my bike .
walked over to my GrandPa's Altar .
Took a pair of incense .
looked at my GrandPa's Photo and chanted .
Tears gradually falling from my eyes.
Blur-ed my vision , wiped it away .
Cried even more .
Status @ at that point : Emotionally unstable ; brokedown
Questions flooded my mind.
Why ? why ? why ??
Why did you pass away suddenly ?
Few days ago i just visited you ! you were smiling and shaking legs and all.
Made us relieved . where did you go now !?
Why did you hide from us ?
Why woulnd't you let us know you are in pain all along ?
Why did you act a brave front ?
Why... just WHY !
Basic procedures to pray to you .
kowtow 4 times .
I can't even do it properly!
Each time i kneeled and kowtow, my knee wounds would just burst .
It pains me, but pains me even more to see you in such a state .
I wish I could do something for you but... what could i ?
I could only fold hundreds and hundreds of ingots for you..
but will you be awake to see them ? to be touched by them ?
I ... hope so...
I cried .
Cried so hard that my tears could literally pierce through anything but that glass panel of yours .
Your face , seen right behind it .
It just landed on that glass .
unable to flow through.
unable to feel you
unable to ... touch you.
all i could do is cry .
think of you .
fold ingots for you.
Will you be touched by them ?
Mom told me some stuffs .
"Do you know Gong Gong dotes on you the most ?"
"Gong Gong was very disappointed that you didn't call back or visit them .. "
"You know , when Gong Gong is alive , there's so much thing i wanna do, to repay him. Now that his gone , i have so many things left untold , undone to him . "
"When his alive ,it's easy to say we'll do things for him . Now that his gone , how do we do it now ?"
"Gong Gong has been worrying for us all his life . Sometimes i wish i could just share the pain with him. Take away his pain . It just hurts me to see him with all the tubes ; needles ; pipes . Wish all of them could be on me."
Points *area*
"This is where Gong Gong sleep " (mattress laid on the floor , accompanied with a single pillow and bolster)
I looked at it , imagined in the past , when i was small, i would share the bed with him. Sleeping comfortably in his warmth.
There are times which i would help my Gong Gong to pull out his ageing hair .. on that same bed .
Strolled the bolster .
Those little thoughts ; tears on my cheeks .
"There's a reason why Gong Gong don't want to sell the house . If he sold , it could fetch a very high price .. (farrer road estate) It's because he is always planning for us . Gong Gong afraid I will get bullied , as you know how your father treats me . Gong Gong told me that Im always welcomed to stay if i wanted to . Gong Gong just... did many things for us .. How do i repay him now ? I just... can't do anything .. its too late .. "
"It hurts me to see him suffer like that when his at hospital.. now that his gone .. I can only hope his journey be a smoother and easy one ..."
Every sentence my mom spoke , sends a emotional breakdown to my nerves .
Each setence just made me wept more and felt guilty.
Gong Gong .. You'll always be the strongest fighter in my heart .
How i wish i could just take away the pain from you ..
Love you always ..
Mom too .
3:32 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Thursday, August 28, 2008
just few days ago, i left the ward happily.after visiting my grandpa .
his awake.
left with a piece of mind.
all of us thinking he'll be discharged asap .
Recieved a call ;
Mom : "Nicholas , Gong gong just passed away ..(sobbing)"
Stopped whatever i was doing .
Just ... Stunned .
After all the struggles .
He's .. left for heaven ..
The closest persons on earth , gradually leaving me .
Parents and friends alike .
I can't confide to anyone ; anymore .
Who's really there for me ?
I'll just need myself.
Stay strong and alone .
Just like 11 months ago .
uncontrollable emotions led me wild again .
why must everything fall at the same time ?
I'm just like any others .
how can i take this! ;
traumatised . .
3:56 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
emotionswhy must i be played around ?
Just when i thought it'll be you , I got slammed .
I just wanted everyone to get along, is that a fault ?
Only choice left is to be unseen.
Don't tell me you have feelings for me when it ended so quickly.
Why must it be when i started to fall for you so deep,
you chose to shut me off.
Am i being played out ?
I don't like this feeling.
Piercings / stabbings in my heart.
Who could i confide to ?
Just wanted to be peacemaker in everyone's eye.
Is it so sinfully wrong to do that ?
Teach me to be cruel ..
for being soft hearted always hurts in the end.
Decisions ?
there's not even a choice .
all of this is drowning me slowly.
shall just hide in my sanctuary and heal.
1:29 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Saturday, August 16, 2008
On my bday, he will pack the largest ang bao for me.On Chinese New Year, he packs ang bao generously for me
On X'mas day, he gives the largest gift for me.
Every farewell, bidded with a peck.
When my parents were still tgt, reprimanded me.
He would stood up for me.
His my only Grand Pa
Day 1
While working. Recieved a call from my mom .
"Hi mom !"
sobbing in tears . . .
"Gong Gong (i call my grand pa that.) is in hospital now. Alexandra Hospital"
"HUH? What time did he admit to ? What happen !?"
"Gong Gong had a lung failure and is in ICU now . Ward 6 . ." ICU - intensive care unit
"What the .. ok MOM . i'll be there as soon as possible!"
Saw the rest of the family sitting down in the ICU ward .
With Grand-Ma sitting emotionless.
It's too big of a trauma for her .
Mom brought me to see Gong Gong .
Nurse : "Are you in a hurry ? Cause we are checking the necessities, 30 minutes will do"
Went back to the waiting area.
Heart pounding and worried.
Wha'ts going to happen to my beloved Grand Pa ?
After 30 mins . .
Mom grabbed my hand and immedietly looked for Grand Pa .
The moment i saw him . .
Tears flow down my cheeks.
His life is surviving on a machine.
It just hurts me to see him being pierced by countless tubes.
"Gong Gong , wake up please. Don't fall this time ! We need you !"
Sobbing . . . Whispering to him . .
"Gong Gong , i still remember that you always gave me the largest ang pao on every occasion . . You would pamper me with love everytime i stay over at your place. stay strong .."
Gently felt his forehead , fever .
Stroke Grand-Pa's hands..
With careful precision not to meddle with the instruments.
Mom : "Pa , Nicholas is leaving already. His also very concerned for you . Pa , Nicholas said to you to stay strong ok? (Prayer words) Nicholas leaving already. "
"Gong Gong, stay strong alrights? , i still remember you would peck on my cheeks & lips whenever i'm about to leave. I yearn for it Gong Gong . Stay strong ! We believe you can do it . .!"
Mom : "Yea , we all pray that Gong Gong going to be alright . Doctor said his condition is not improving , he may . . . but we still pray for the positive side.. "
In Waiting area .
"But why Gong Gong is in this state ? His always jogging every evening and all that. He don't even smoke or drink ! He dind't show any sign of illness or anything ! . . . .
Mom : " that's the problem . . he always appear strong .."
" .. He didn't want us to worry . . No one knows what he is actually going through..
He shows a strong front but actually deep down, he is suffering from it.. "
Tears . . .
"Why grand-pa .. why.."
went back to the waiting area .
everyone went back to rest except my mom.
staying behind.
accompanied my mom.
Mom : " Did you know they are very disappointed with you.? they love you the most but you didn't even call back to ask about them or visit ."
"I know .. it's just that i don't know what to do or say , i feel very difficult to explain. No one can share my problems with me. "
Mom : " Mommy tried to approach you, trying to give the best to you. But everytime i try, you shut the doors . I thought maybe others can try. Mommy thought you can't communicate so i approach Jennifer Aunty to speak to you.. Did you know she also concerns alot for you? Infact, all of us are.. "
"It's not that i didn't want to share my problems and stuffs. It's IN ME . Remember when we are together as a family. . I always kept problems within my self. That's the problem. I kept everything to myself and let time heals. But everytime i do that, i fall apart gravely. Have i got any choice ?"
Mom : "Sorry, mummy can't do anything too.. i tried to help you.. financially ; but your father made me suffered so much. I'm still paying off his debts. If not for him and the house , i woulnd't have lost 130k .. "
"That's why i've veen hanging out with my friends. Trying to ease everything. I just felt very comfortable with them. But it has it's limits. They can only do to such an extent. I can't confide everything to them . So part of me is still literally Hanging .
Mom : " How did you get to know them ? Then do you know their family background ?
"There's this very good friend of mine. We went through our driving license course together. Once, i waited for them coming back from JB . His handphone is with me so while waiting, i just listen to music and stuffs. I browse through his inbox, saw his family messages. "Gor Gor loves you. Come back early ok. Everyone worried for you (:" ; " Still don't come back ? I'm going to cane you when u come back ar. haha " Supposedly from his mom. Those few messages, how i yearn for that family warmth again . ."
Tears rolled down on my mom's cheeks.
Mom : "when mommy wanted a divorce , you chose Pa Pa. You didn't reject him so i thought, & he said he would fight for you , i let him have it because i thought he will take care of you. Sorry .."
"It's not your fault mom.. none of us wanted this to happen..
After having heart to heart talks with my mom..
Mom : " it's getting late already. you better head home ok? i stay here look after Gong Gong . Ride safely ok. Now it's the . . . . . .month. i teach you some prayer words. Speak after me . . "
"Ok mom, i love you. i believe Gong Gong will get over this !"
Mom : " Yea .. (with a smile) I accompany you to your bike.
5:39 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Sunday, August 10, 2008
New Years EveNo one knows what's that.
Unexplained -
but some thing's happened on that day.
Hope u get well soon James
and while riding like 10km/h and chatting with another biker
suddenly . !!
*WOOF WOOF*
a large stray dog came after him !!
*PEHHH PEHHH*
like a speed of LIGHT! LOL! HILARIOUS moment x;
Went Bugis ytd alone. Some loner . Yea =/
initially wanted to watch fireworks but..
crowd irks me . x;
took some F1 pics !
Boy it does look silky shine O.o
Wonder my bike will ever be silky clean as that x;
Oh and got to meet up with my Campus m8's.
went Arab street .
Sheeee - Sha - ing ! (:
Oh and went to shop awhile @ bugis street.
bought some cheap necklace for myself ?
30 Odd .
Broke on the same day.
lousy quality -.-
what a BUMMER ! ._.
Roundings &
Roundings and
Roundings!
Bt panjang >
Jurong East >
Bt Timah >
Cosy Bay >
Rest @ SPC >
ECP >
SunsetWay >
HOME (:
Recorded this MAMA chicky just behind my work place.
So cute HAHAs !
and co-incidently , we had white chicken for dinner.
tricked my friend that we took e rooster PARTNER and chop it up !
and now the rooster is looking for the partner blindly . .
Immedietly vomited LOL! x;
3:55 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Thursday, August 07, 2008
thanks to all my hommies for the help !Especially to James . (tho his very realistic . . . $ $ $ -.-)
For the speedy road to JB !
Jennifer & Ric for keeping a lookout for me (:
Sabri for accompanying and help whenver he can.
And Edison ! my HOMO-Bud ! for helping me ride my bike to customs : D
Thanks YALL !
Major Outing today at 11.30pm CINE ! SEe you guys there !! wee !
oh oh and i'm gonna retrieve my phone today ! woots !
2:47 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
It's pathetic how things work.Just when i thought there's some
c h e m _ _ t r y brewing . .
s h i t happens .
4:46 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Monday, August 04, 2008
Aights, this gonna be just a textual post _:no pics ! my darn phone is in e operational ward !
T.T
Went to Plaza Singapura Samsung Service centre.
Overwhelmed by philipino's staff !
Gawd, Service is sooo effing slow !
*My turn*
Erm, i lost my warranty card , is it still possible to repair under warranty?
*Philipino accent*
It's ok sir. We can check it in our system
just fill up this form sir.
Just as i started to pick e pen...
*Bald China man barges in*
(in mandarin)
"^$%@# Why so long ? i wan que number.. QUE NUMBER!!" ;screams
*Panic staff*
ok sir ! ok sir ! (quickly hands que number ._.)
They told me 3-5 days will be ready.
Alright.
After 5 days..
And they still told me its not ready !
Fk spiders ! grrr
prob next week ):
rush to work place.
realized my alternate HP went MISSING!
Called my hp.
*Philipino Accent again.*
Gr8... left it back at e service centre. OH WELL!
Rode back and forth again !
BAHS!
Internets down for awhile, bills exploded for hp !
attachment went BURST !
i'm fired ):
shucks. nvm, i'll just work till my death bed >(
this week gonna be a tideous week !
7-10 August.
Prob participating in e Olympics.
Olympic Games ?
Nay..
Cyber Games?
Yea ! x;
2:55 AM...i'm thinkin' of you