Friday, August 29, 2008
@ my grandpa's wake .
parked my bike .
walked over to my GrandPa's Altar .
Took a pair of incense .
looked at my GrandPa's Photo and chanted .
Tears gradually falling from my eyes.
Blur-ed my vision , wiped it away .
Cried even more .
Status @ at that point : Emotionally unstable ; brokedown
Questions flooded my mind.
Why ? why ? why ??
Why did you pass away suddenly ?
Few days ago i just visited you ! you were smiling and shaking legs and all.
Made us relieved . where did you go now !?
Why did you hide from us ?
Why woulnd't you let us know you are in pain all along ?
Why did you act a brave front ?
Why... just WHY !
Basic procedures to pray to you .
kowtow 4 times .
I can't even do it properly!
Each time i kneeled and kowtow, my knee wounds would just burst .
It pains me, but pains me even more to see you in such a state .
I wish I could do something for you but... what could i ?
I could only fold hundreds and hundreds of ingots for you..
but will you be awake to see them ? to be touched by them ?
I ... hope so...
I cried .
Cried so hard that my tears could literally pierce through anything but that glass panel of yours .
Your face , seen right behind it .
It just landed on that glass .
unable to flow through.
unable to feel you
unable to ... touch you.
all i could do is cry .
think of you .
fold ingots for you.
Will you be touched by them ?
Mom told me some stuffs .
"Do you know Gong Gong dotes on you the most ?"
"Gong Gong was very disappointed that you didn't call back or visit them .. "
"You know , when Gong Gong is alive , there's so much thing i wanna do, to repay him. Now that his gone , i have so many things left untold , undone to him . "
"When his alive ,it's easy to say we'll do things for him . Now that his gone , how do we do it now ?"
"Gong Gong has been worrying for us all his life . Sometimes i wish i could just share the pain with him. Take away his pain . It just hurts me to see him with all the tubes ; needles ; pipes . Wish all of them could be on me."
Points *area*
"This is where Gong Gong sleep " (mattress laid on the floor , accompanied with a single pillow and bolster)
I looked at it , imagined in the past , when i was small, i would share the bed with him. Sleeping comfortably in his warmth.
There are times which i would help my Gong Gong to pull out his ageing hair .. on that same bed .
Strolled the bolster .
Those little thoughts ; tears on my cheeks .
"There's a reason why Gong Gong don't want to sell the house . If he sold , it could fetch a very high price .. (farrer road estate) It's because he is always planning for us . Gong Gong afraid I will get bullied , as you know how your father treats me . Gong Gong told me that Im always welcomed to stay if i wanted to . Gong Gong just... did many things for us .. How do i repay him now ? I just... can't do anything .. its too late .. "
"It hurts me to see him suffer like that when his at hospital.. now that his gone .. I can only hope his journey be a smoother and easy one ..."
Every sentence my mom spoke , sends a emotional breakdown to my nerves .
Each setence just made me wept more and felt guilty.
Gong Gong .. You'll always be the strongest fighter in my heart .
How i wish i could just take away the pain from you ..
Love you always ..
Mom too .
3:32 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
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